March 7th. The due date of our little “Maybe Baby.”
After going back and forth so many times about opening up about this, I have decided to share about a recent miscarriage that G and I went through. I feel vulnerable, I feel raw, and most of all my intention is not to get sympathy or attention. I just wanted to open up about a recent tragedy in mine and Garrett’s life in hopes that it’ll bring awareness and comfort those who may feel alone in this trial.
Last summer I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. Garrett and I were excited, but also scared out of our minds because life was getting a bit crazy at that moment and becoming parents is a huge commitment.
I was in such complete denial that I was pregnant, and had a hard time saying out loud that we were expecting a little baby in 9 months. I’m just a big scaredy cat. But can you blame me?
Because I was so evasive about saying “the baby” or “our baby”, Garrett and I started to call our little baby “Maybe Baby.” It started as a joke, but it stuck and became a term of endearment.
I partially dislike the name now because obviously our baby really was only a “maybe.”
At 10 weeks Garrett and I went in for our first ultrasound appointment to make sure everything was OK. That is when we saw Maybe Baby’s heartbeat and it’s little body moving. We both fell in love and felt over-the-moon ecstatic!
Well… God had a different plan for us and that little baby, and we lost it at 12 weeks. We were told it was only a 4% chance of loss because we had already found a healthy heartbeat and signs of life.
“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.” -David Platt
I have never been through something so emotionally AND physically painful. I have never seen something hurt Garrett so deeply. And it took a while to get to the point where I could talk about it without crying. Sometimes I still cry. I still feel sad and often think about the what-if’s and why’s.
I am so grateful for the friends and family that were there for me, and I am beyond grateful for one friend in particular who had been through a miscarriage similar to mine. She was an angel for me. She didn’t sugar coat the pain I felt, and helped me realize it would take a long time to heal.
Garrett and I have grown as a couple, and I have really learned my strength and my worth.
I have also learned the worth of a little life is so great, even before it has come out of the womb. (Not trying to get political here, so please don’t).
I am so grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and that I know one day I will be reunited with our unborn child and we can be a family. Whatever your belief system, faith and hope in something greater can help you get through hardships.
(I don’t love this picture… it was taken days after our miscarriage. Because of the size of our fetus I was to be scheduled to get a D&C procedure, but my body didn’t want to wait. I felt rough and I looked rough, but I am beyond grateful for this man beside me who helped me through it all. You’re a rockstar G!)
So many women experience miscarriages every year. Whether it is in the first trimester or late term, the pain is so immense and is something that takes time to recover from.
If you have recently experienced the pain of a miscarriage, just know that you will be alright.
YOU didn’t fail. You will experience a plethora of emotions and that’s OK! Just accept each emotion and try to move on one day at a time.
Find someone who you can open up to and don’t grieve on your own. This doesn’t just go for the women. Men can feel the emotional pain of a miscarriage as well!
I love this quote…
“To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve.” -Jeffrey R. Holland
If you have never experienced a miscarriage, just remember to be kind to those around you.
Don’t ask a couple why they don’t have children yet. (We get this a lot!) They may be suffering from infertility or have dealt with multiple miscarriages. You never know!
It’s also so easy to downplay the emotional effects of a miscarriage. Instead try to be loving and just listen.
I’m not that great at opening up and being “raw”, but I’m working on it. If you would like to talk or have any questions feel free to ask! Leave me a comment below or email me.
Today is a sad day, and a happy day. A sad day because of the “what-if’s,” but a good day because I feel peace and am happy for this beautifully imperfect life that I get to live.
“You were carried for only a moment, but are loved for a lifetime.”
Happy due date Maybe Baby.xo, adri